You know the drill. The sun comes out and everyone and their dog excitedly flocks to the beach. As well as this certainty, there’s another thing you can always bank on: that for every normal beachgoer there lurks another of an arguably slightly odd variety. Here’s to those eccentrics who undoubtedly provide our main form of beach entertainment – the beach wouldn’t be the same without them.
1. The Arnold Schwarze-never – Yes, we all know the type: the guy in the obnoxious speedos, muscles a-flexing, temple veins a-throbbing, and all while checking himself out in the reflection of any passing sunglass lenses. Don’t be alarmed when his attention is momentarily directed at you and all you hear is ‘I can definitely benchpress your weight’ before you are violently suspended in the air. To ensure escape, it may be essential to feign genuine interest in his all-protein diet, compliment his choice of brave swimwear and flatter the ego.
Celeb-Offender: Cristiano Ronaldo
2. The Surely-A-Vampire – They come in swarms, wearing all black and studs, stony faces abound and channelling a too-cool-for-school disposition. What’s stranger is that their thick gothic attire has no effect on their heat levels. Yes, they maintain the advantage that they are able to remain cool and calm while the rest of us unfairly swelter in the sun. They stick to their own kind, so there is no point in attempting conversation and don’t be fooled by the assumption that if they are frequenting the beach they are there to have fun; they are not. Where did they come from? No one knows, but we suspect that it was a dark, dark place.
Celeb-Offender: Nigella Lawson
3. The Castaway – On his knees, wearing rags and bellowing ‘WILSON’ at a child’s volleyball, unknowingly surrounded by a ring of alarmed bikini-clad spectators. There is a distinct chance that he has had a brush with some form of exile in his past days and since returning to civilisation, has been unable to re-establish a sense of normality. As night falls you’ll find him frantically rubbing two sticks together, muttering under his breath about the cruel night air. Oh go on, throw the poor man a box of matches.
Celeb-Offender: Robert Pattinson
4.The Stepford Wife – She is impossibly, almost (and most likely) unnaturally flawless. The hair is perfectly coiffed and seemingly untouched by the usually boisterous seaside wind and humidity. Her face is made-up to perfection, and the outfit is unbearably on-trend and immaculate in every respect. While the rest of us are essentially melting in the unrelenting sun, the Stepford wife is barely breaking a sweat and you’d better bet that her porcelain skin remains without a speck of sand. Don’t even attempt to take a leaf out of her book, we all know that the beach best serves up those widely sought-after surfer waves.
Celeb-Offender: Miranda Kerr
5.The Accidentally-on-Purpose Nude – The most common phrase to be heard from this group of beachgoers is ‘Oh, terribly sorry. I thought this was a nudist beach’. The apology is generally followed by an unabashed continuation of unwanted nudity. The worst varieties undoubtedly consist of the sporty and/or physically active nudes; as due to constant movement, every angle is perceptible to unfortunate onlookers. It’s probably best to steer well clear of this lot, unless you want an eyeful and trust us, you don’t want an eyeful.
Celeb-Offender: Peaches Geldof