Here at Beach Tomato, we fully understand the desire of beach-goers to start hitting the sauce early. Hey, you’re on holiday. You’re here to relax and be free. And what says “this is me time” more than some libation before lunch? But despite what some 90’s dance idealists say, there are always limits. So here’s a collection of signs that might help determine whether your spirited enthusiasm may, in fact, just be an enthusiasm for spirits…
The Corn Flake Cocktail
Let’s start with an obvious one: if you’re pouring any kind of alcohol over your cereal, even a milk-based booze, then you’re on the road to ruin. And you can swap in any food stuff here. Ouzo with your omelette? That’s a no-no. Mai Tai’s with your melon slices? Come on, now…
Downward Facing Drunk
If you’re spilling gin and tonic on your yoga mat and slurring at the stranger next to you, “hey, you know wha wood make dish more innereshting? Tequila shotsh…”, then you’ve definitely pushed your chips in too early. Do everyone a favour and go practise a few horizontal bed planks before the obligatory shame salutations.
You’ve Been Spiked
It’s midday. Your wife’s enjoying the beautiful view and wondering where you are when she hears those twelve little words that fill her with ultimate dread: “Hey guys, I see you’re playing volleyball, mind if I join in?” With your shorts slipping down, you miss a high five and then spike the ball fifty feet into the sea. Someone asks your wife who the guy is making a fool himself. “No idea,” she says, as you flail around in the net like a punch-drunk tuna.
If, come lunch time, you’re cracking cheap one-liners to the waiters and fist-bumping Felipe the barman, then you’ve gone too far. A friendly nod is fine, but if you’re putting your arm around the pool boy and telling him to email you next time he’s in Watford, then you’re on the fast train to inappropriate town.
A) No-one likes a show off — a few morning mojitos don’t make you Maradona. B) They’re just kids! Does slide-tackling a four-year-old make you a winner? (clue: um…no). C) If you’re going to scream “4-4-2!” and try overhead kicks, at least take your sandals off. D) The goal’s that way…
Full Moon Party (For One)
You’re half way around the world, with a new-found zest for life. You left your worries at Terminal Two, and now you’re releasing your inner Rihanna. You’re a dance floor goddess – belting out those high notes and treating the sand like the factory floor from Flashdance. You wonder if you’ll ever feel this good again. And no, you won’t, because it’s not even three o’clock and the “DJ” you keep telling to drop the beat is your iPod. Oh, for shame…
Happy Hammock Syndrome
It seemed like a good idea, didn’t it, ordering that rum punch instead of going snorkelling. But a boozy treat soon turned into a morning mini-binge, and now you’re tussling with the mortal enemy of all sozzled sand-lovers: the hammock. You’ll fight to get in. You’ll ask strangers if they want a photo of you (they’ll say no). You’ll flop around like a beached mermaid. You’ll yell at a passing fisherman to push you back and forth. You’ll giggle like a schoolgirl. You’ll fall asleep. You’ll lose any sense of time and space. You’ll probably get sunburn. You’ll definitely regret it.
Words by James Walsh